


when i don't wanna lead, but i can follow

by cydinium



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Domestic Fluff, Established Relationship, M/M, Married Couple, Parenthood, Sexual Frustration, Slice of Life, Trans Akaashi Keiji, haruka's back baby and she's cuter than ever
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-17
Updated: 2021-02-17
Packaged: 2021-03-12 04:41:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,043
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29504271
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cydinium/pseuds/cydinium
Summary: It's been four months, and Keiji tries to deal with his frustrations in what little ways he can, which is to say none at all.(Keiji and Koutarou are new parents with no time for themselves. People try to chime in and help with mixed results.)
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 3
Kudos: 21





	when i don't wanna lead, but i can follow

**Author's Note:**

> the sequel to [the harder the rain, honey, the sweeter the sun](https://archiveofourown.org/works/28908672), written over the spawn of three ish weeks. i plan to add one more part to this little series, plus a kuroken shot, but i think that's pretty much what i have in mind unless people ask for more! which, btw, feel free to do, cause i've had a lot of fun writing this

From the moment Keiji knew of the life growing inside his body, he knew it wouldn’t be an easy task, much less with Koutarou being as little at home as he does. It is not a complaint, for that has been a part of his reality even before he got married. He counts his blessings as well - his first few years of marriage had been lonely, a bone-deep longing buried inside him that wouldn’t go away. Mocha’s addition to the family, as much of a brat as the dog is, definitely helped, but Keiji wouldn’t go as far as saying that Mocha’s presence fixed it. If anything, the beagle puppy helped him realize further what he was missing on.

He is also not hypocritical enough to say it was only missing his husband because of the love he holds for him - although it wouldn’t necessarily be a lie. Keiji missed feeling desired, lusted after and being touched after a particularly long and gruesome day at work, where a good fuck against the mattress would’ve been more than enough to make his stress go away. It comes with being a foolish - or perhaps not so much - youth, taking advantage of the time it grants. Keiji is not stupid enough to think _adultier_ adults over the age of- what, thirty five? Forty? Who knows? Do not have fulfilling sex lives, but Keiji back then genuinely thought his own was akin to a divorced woman in her late fifties, the kind who would complain to anybody about her life with a bottle of wine in hand.

It’s exactly why approximately four months after giving birth he feels surprisingly lonely. It’s not like Koutarou doesn’t find him attractive anymore - on the contrary, Keiji’s husband seems to be madly in love with the little extra weight he put on those grueling nine months, the way pregnancy softened his body and features somehow. It’s also not like Keiji is suddenly _feminine_ , god forbid, he’d rather die first, but that edge there was to his elbows and jaw is for the most part absent nowadays. It’s somewhat convenient at least, for he wouldn’t want to accidentally poke his daughter in the eye when she’s being restless in his lap.

Keiji would give everything in the entire world up if it meant his daughter was comfortable - hence why he’s currently on parental leave from his job, will be until Haruka is a year old. It’s absolutely ludicrous that his salary was reduced, suddenly understands why his mother never missed a day of work, present at her workplace while pregnant with him all those years ago because if she wanted her credibility to stay intact it had to be that way. It’s also why Keiji was mostly raised by grandparents or nannies the first decade of his life or so, until his parents decided he was reliable enough to stay alone at home, left him meals in the freezer that he could easily heat up in the microwave from age twelve upwards. At fifteen he decided that frozen meals kind of sucked and resolved to learn how to cook, though he was only mildly successful. For what is worth, he makes a mean _omurice_ and his _takoyaki_ are nothing to sneeze at. Just don’t ask him for anything too overly complicated.

(No one believes him when he says that Koutarou is the better cook, as long as no more than three burners are on in the stove.)

He feels stupid for feeling lonely when his daughter, barely four months old, who needs him for absolutely everything - when she is hungry, when she is too cold, or too hot, or the tag in the back of her onesie, a gift from Shirofuku with an _onigiri_ pattern, starts making her neck itch - is sleeping on his shoulder, little face smushed while he tries to work on some original projects of his that have been sitting in his laptop since he was in college. It puts his life into perspective as well - Keiji is currently twenty six years old, graduated from college like four years ago, and he hasn’t finished at least one piece of original writing in all that time. He has dedicated himself to his job, a very good one for someone who had just finished his degree, has dedicated himself to his marriage and his dog and now his daughter. That is not to say he never has time for himself, but that tends to get channeled into taking a long bath with those aromatic salts and lotions, or going to that new bookstore that just opened downtown to pick something to read.

Some people would argue that’s not really time for himself, but Keiji has learned to count his blessings in a world that usually doesn’t go his way. He wouldn’t go as far as calling himself a frustrated person - he has it quite good, in fact. More than once Koutarou has told him he should quit his job as an editor so that he can finally work on original stuff, like he once dreamed of as a teenager, but Keiji is not someone who creates. He helps shape things, putting them into motion, setting them onto the right path - another thing entirely is to make something from scratch. It is simply not something within him, and the proof sits inside a folder in his laptop.

(If Koutarou heard him then he would have a fit - _how are you not good at creating things, Keiji? Haruka is right there sleeping against your shoulder and she’s perfect!_ And Keiji would reply something along the lines of, “It’s different, Kou. You cannot compare writing a book to growing a child inside you”. And also he had help with that.)

+

Keiji isn’t often one to dwell on what bothers him - most of the time he pushes forward and ignores his problems until they start boiling him alive. Koutarou is his biggest witness. It is a known fact that he’s the best qualified person to deal with his husband whenever something upsets him - although, most won’t acknowledge that it isn’t a problem anymore, not since their last year together at Fukurodani, the last few games together. There are still days in which Koutarou would rather hide under a rock and pretend he doesn’t exist, but adulthood has matured them both - which in turn has taught Keiji that he can rely on people if something is bothering him. Old habits are hard to break though, especially now that he has something very important to worry about.

Given that their families are in Tokyo it’s not like Keiji can just ask them to take Haruka for a day. In theory perhaps he could, but the trip back and forth wouldn’t be worth it for just a day - he wouldn’t be willing to leave his daughter with anyone else for any longer than that, no matter how much he trusts his parents or Koutarou’s with Haruka. His husband’s sisters have been offering to babysit even before Haruka was born, and had he still been living in Tokyo perhaps he could have agreed, but he’s not in Tokyo. He’s in Nishinomiya, has been for more or less a year and a half, at least three hours away from Tokyo in the fastest transport he can afford. It’s not that he feels lonely in Nishinomiya either, at least not most of the time, but in times like these he longs for the easy life he had in Tokyo - even if his relationship with his parents is not the best they were still within reach. If not, Koutarou’s. If not them, Koutarou’s sisters, their friends, their entire lives.

The last time Keiji saw his own parents had been for Haruka’s _okuizome_ , not even three weeks ago. He had insisted that everything could be arranged by himself - and Koutarou - and yet, something he should know by now, his parents insisted further that they would get in touch with Koutarou’s parents, would make a whole trip out of it, would get everything ready. Keiji didn’t know how to tell them that his house didn’t have any spare rooms left, but knowing his parents they’d be fine sleeping on one of the spare futons in the living room. As for his in-laws... surely they could figure something out, maybe prescind of his and Koutarou’s very comfortable, very much _impure_ bed. Keiji is not a prude, despite what some people might think, which is exactly why his in-laws sleeping in his bed unsettled him - never mind the fact that at this point in his life everybody knows he and Koutarou fuck. Thank you Haruka.

He brought up that concern to his husband, and almost immediately regretted it. Although it is true that Koutarou’s pay as a professional volleyball player is very generous, it is certainly not enough to buy another house as he suggests, as if it was so easy, not for the moment. There are still some payments to be settled about their current living space - which Koutarou had not told him about, making Keiji fume. He does not dwell on it because there is no point anymore, there are certain areas in life where he simply cannot stop Koutarou from acting impulsively. At the very least, Koutarou promised him that the payments for the house will be done by the time Haruka starts preschool and that - oh, _that_ \- nearly broke Keiji, for some reason.

Maybe he was still very hormonal after birth? Had he felt off since the morning? He couldn’t tell, but when Koutarou merely mentioned the idea of Haruka going to preschool Keiji started sniffling, his eyes puffy and nose flushed. This baby he made with the love of his life one day is going to grow up, and he’s going to be there and Koutarou is going to be there too and step by step she will slip from their fingers and- _dear lord_. Is this a normal thing he has to get used to? He made a mental note to ask his mother, half free spirit half disciplined person that she is might have a solid answer (and also, she’s his mother, she might know a thing or two). (He forgot to ask her.)

Koutarou immediately enveloped him in his arms, asked if he said something bad, _please Keiji what’s wrong, did I say the wrong thing again_ , and Keiji couldn’t help but furrow his face into the space between his husband’s neck and shoulder, quietly said, voice almost as soft as a whisper, “I’m being stupid, don’t worry about it”. That wasn’t enough of an answer for Koutarou though, but he accepted it nonetheless, didn’t press on the issue because as of lately Keiji couldn’t bring himself to talk about much at all. It’s stupid and dumb. It was also about time he went to check up on the reason why he was such a big mess emotionally, so he separated from Koutarou and gave him a shaky smile. They settled on finalizing the details for Haruka’s _okuizome_ later.

+

All things considered, the _okuizome_ turned out great. Koutarou’s mother took over the kitchen as soon as she entered the house, Keiji’s own parents helping where they could but ultimately knowing that a kitchen was not their area of expertise, ushered out by Koutarou’s mother, family matron and kitchen saint that she is. It was hilarious to see for Keiji how his parents, both accomplished in their respective medicine fields - his mother his bane of existence, a gynecologist, and his father a neurosurgeon - and owners of high reputations could bow down to a current homemaker, former... Keiji doesn’t know what his mother-in-law used to work in. Someday he’ll ask his husband. The Bokuto matriarch is soft and kind, but there is something solid as well in the way she carries herself - Keiji theorizes because of that she could afford to be soft and kind to begin with.

(Koutarou’s father, a man just as big and burly as his sole son and youngest child overall never pretended to be good at cooking and went straight for the grill in the backyard, Mocha smelling the meat from the shopping bags he carried and trotting after him, clearly set on getting her own fair share of meat.)

Haruka for her own part seemed more content with sleeping against Koutarou’s shoulder, would make a fuss if anyone attempted to pry her away. It made Keiji feel somewhat bad, for he knows everyone in their family circle wants some time with the newest addition - in particular Koutarou’s parents haven’t had much time with their youngest grandchild, busy as they are with their older two grandchildren back in Tokyo. It is kind of a forbidden topic to mention how Koutarou’s middle sister relies on their parents perhaps a little too much in raising her two children, single mother that she is. Koutarou one time mentioned that she had a bastard of an ex-husband, and that had been that, Keiji had not dared to ask further.

Keiji’s own parents have seen Haruka a bit more, but still hardly enough for first time grandparents who would otherwise be all over their granddaughter. His mother makes time everyday to call him and ask how he’s doing, knowing that their relationship since Keiji graduated rests on very fragile ground - she and Keiji’s father had not been necessarily disappointed by his choice of major, but thought he could do much better, that he could study something that would bring him economic security. Keiji thinks it is because both his parents had hidden frustrations - he sees it in the way his mother paints in her spare time, used the spare room in the house as a makeshift studio, full of half-finished pieces and a mess of colors, sees it in the way his father sometimes helps out a friend at his bike repair shop, keeps miniature bike models in a shelf in his office at work. Rumor has it he even played for a rock band in the 80s, years before Keiji was even a plan in his life.

(Further rumors that Keiji has never been able to fully confirm say that he was a very much sought after child, planned beyond what most couples would bother with. Perhaps that was why his parents had been okay with some of his more, _ah_ , eclectic lifestyle choices, and the literature major thing had just been a regular worry any parent would have, who knows. They certainly never had any issue with him one day proclaiming he was a boy and that he wanted to be called Keiji, like his failure of a writer uncle. That should’ve been a sign.)

It didn’t seem like either couple held it against Haruka though - no one could blame her for wanting to stay close to Koutarou, warm as he is. March after all is still cold and although she is bundled up nothing can replace the warmth family brings, _especially_ when said family is Bokuto Koutarou. For his own part Keiji looks at his clammy and cold hands that he knows must bother his daughter, if her whining whenever he checks her temperature on her forehead is any clue. He’s been on the lookout for that after hearing that other children around the neighborhood have fallen prey to colds, despite the weather warming up little by little. Not that he’s had much contact with his neighbors to begin with - Keiji did move during the middle of a worldwide pandemic which he most definitely does not like to think about. He has enough things to worry about - he and Koutarou are safe economically, they have their house, they are more or less alone in Nishinomiya, no reason to expose themselves, that’s it.

Koutarou on the other hand insists that Haruka loves him so much already that even if she complains about his hands she doesn’t about other things as she would with Koutarou. It is with Keiji that she settles down faster at night, the steady sound of his heart a lullaby only someone like her could enjoy to its fullest, her weight comforting in his arms. It is with Keiji that she doesn’t scream her lungs out in the bath, bless Koutarou’s heart and his efforts. She adores him, as much as such a small baby can - he’s her whole world, she doesn’t know anything else, and so help him he will keep her happy and safe.

While Koutarou’s father set up the grill despite the fact that _okuizomes_ don’t really call for any grilled red meats, Koutarou’s mother cooked the actual foods people are supposed to eat at such traditional events, and Keiji’s parents tried to get Haruka’s attention, Keiji himself took the chance to slip away for a moment to the front yard, grabbed a cigarette from the pack and a lighter he now keeps inside a drawer, silently hoping that no one would question his absence, short as it would be. Smoking is a habit he dropped as soon as he found out he was pregnant, hadn’t gotten back into it because he just doesn’t have the time for it, being a full time parent and part time homeowner.

He didn’t question his husband when he was joined by him not even a minute after, Koutarou lit up his own cigarette despite the fact that he absolutely loathes smoking and only does it when stress becomes too much for him. They must have looked pathetic to any on lookers from the street, since they were not exactly hidden away, with eyebags and Keiji could swear there was a vomit stain (thank you, Haruka) on the shirt Koutarou wore that day, but there was also a mutual understanding in their eyes. Keiji didn’t ask where Haruka was even though she just was in his husband’s arms, could hear his parents inside the house cooing at her and failing at being even vaguely amusing. The Akaashi family is notorious for their dry sense of humor, mind you, but that hardly works with what is pretty much a newborn.

That moment would’ve been ideal to tell Koutarou what has been bugging him for weeks already, but Keiji is a coward. Instead, he enjoyed how nicotine filled his lungs and went back inside before fifteen minutes could pass. All things considered, his own nerves and reservations around his in-laws and even his own parents it all turned out great.

+

The day after the _okuizome_ would’ve been ideal for finally getting to be intimate again, but even when Koutarou’s luck is pretty good that does not account for Keiji’s own bad luck and anxiety. Koutarou’s parents had ended up staying at an inn close to the train station the night before, claiming that the next day they would return to Tokyo early and would need to be up with the sun, wouldn’t want to wake anyone else around the house, so they did not end up using what Keiji had declared ‘reluctantly available sacred grounds’ - meaning his and Koutarou’s bed. It was a little sad seeing them go so quickly, but Keiji guessed that was to be expected, didn’t really think they would stay longer - though the same couldn’t be said for his own parents.

At 8am sharp Keiji heard someone knock on his bedroom door - he wondered whether he should get up, thought it was probably just his father wondering where he keeps the several varieties of tea he often consumes now that coffee is somewhat off limits, and with Koutarou’s arms around his waist, hugging him from behind, Keiji thought his old man could figure it out on his own. They had gone to sleep late the night before, and Haruka wasn’t in the most ideal of moods, resulting in a somewhat tiring night - it was only around 5am that she settled enough to finally sleep for longer than an hour. Her temperature was fine, her sinuses clean, she clearly wasn’t hungry - so far she had been an easy baby for first time parents, but Keiji wouldn’t bet it would continue to be the case, not with the stories he had heard of his husband’s infancy.

The knocking continued though, and before Koutarou woke up Keiji got up, made sure Haruka was still asleep as well and opened his bedroom door, surprised to see his mother ready to face the day, outfit for a warmer day on. The smile on her face let him know she had another of her great ideas that he would not be able to back out from, mentally preparing himself to go out on a Sunday morning when he should, in fact, be in bed and only doing the bare minimum. He’s aware it’s only fair with how little he sees his parents, but that only serves to surprise him further when his mother _commands_ him to get Haruka and her bag ready for a full day out - her parents clearly uninvited. It takes him a few seconds to process the information and usually he would ask Koutarou first if he agrees with the idea, but the smirk on his mother’s face is enough to tell him all he needs to know.

She agreed to wait in the living room - after all, Keiji’s father is not an early riser on weekends (like father, like son) and it would take him a while to get ready. It’s in moments like that where Keiji feels eternally thankful that his house, tucked into a corner of Nishinomiya without a lot of transit, not too far away though from Osaka Bay, has two goddamn bathrooms (technically _three_ , but only two have showers, alas). Although he doesn’t exactly _like_ their designs and no amount of working on them during the most hormonal periods of his pregnancy can make him change his mind, he can’t complain when it’s so convenient to have two of those. That meant he could perfectly make Koutarou get up to give Haruka quick bath, while he went to get her bag ready with everything she would need for a full day out.

It would be the first time his daughter would spend an entire day away from him - Keiji has kept her under his watchful eyes from her very first breath, perhaps falling a little into being overzealous with her, for even with Koutarou at times he hesitates. It’s not that he actively wants to be like that, but Haruka is his sole daughter, his first baby (first? That implies there will be more, and _oh no, never_ ) - is it really so surprising that he can’t bring himself to be away from her? Even now, weeks after the fact. The main reason why - though not only - he could prescind of his daughter for a day were his frustrations, his need to spend time alone with his husband because for fuck’s sake he needs to. It’s not even funny anymore. (Konoha would beg otherwise).

It wasn’t hard to wake Koutarou up, much less make him give Haruka a quick bath when given an explanation as to why she would need one so early on a Sunday morning. It nearly took Keiji by surprise how fast Koutarou agreed to the plan - with constantly training nearly every day, even on Saturdays it is only fair that he would want to spend as much time as possible with Haruka. Koutarou remains an amazing husband and father as ever, trying to take on as many chores as possible on weekends to lessen Keiji’s load, but even he could not resist a lazy Sunday morning with his husband and daughter. Most of the time they laze around in bed until the inevitable comes, usually in the shape of Haruka needing something. Fair enough.

Not an hour later with everything ready and done, with Keiji’s parents in the car, Haruka secured in her car seat, her bag all packed up, they left. Koutarou made a run for the drugstore to get supplies, Keiji made breakfast and tried very, _very_ hard not to burn anything. Keiji and the kitchen do not get along, that is a simple fact - years ago, back when he was still in school, Konoha had showed him some sort of triangle with three skills, and claimed gay people couldn’t have all three: Keiji can drive okay. Keiji is also pretty good at math. He is not good at cooking. He can however coexist and try to negotiate with the actual demon he has of a stove, enough to cook on days where Koutarou cannot.

The plan was unspoken, but clear enough. Koutarou would get back with whatever they needed, they would have breakfast, and they would _finally_ have alone time.

+

They did not have alone time.

Keiji would most often pride himself on the fact that he can be spontaneous, be it simple decisions like going on a day trip to the beach when Koutarou has the time, or fucking against the kitchen counters because Koutarou decided to press himself against Keiji while he was attempting to cook. Although he does prefer to have a plan people do paint him as someone far more rigid than he actually is. Believe it or not, it is often Koutarou between the two of them who tends to plan for the future, maybe because with his earnings he can afford to plan that far ahead. During and right after college Keiji did not have many expectations beyond finding a job and marrying his long-time boyfriend.

When the opportunity to catch up with one of the people he loves the most in the world presented itself an hour ago or so he didn’t hesitate much - keyword _much_ , mind you - because something like that would be unlikely to happen again in a long time. He trusts his parents enough with his daughter, so why not take the time to get thoroughly fucked by the man who holds Keiji’s heart in his hands? It’s not even about ‘making love’ anymore - a primal need took over them as soon as they had finished eating breakfast, didn’t even bother doing the dishes even though Keiji loathes leaving them in the sink to soak. He would’ve complained, in fact, had Koutarou not hoisted him up, Keiji’s legs immediately circling his waist and arms going around the other’s neck, muscle memory doing its job. The way up the stairs was filled with laughter and a whine here and there.

However, even when Keiji tries to be spontaneous things don’t go his way. They don’t either when he plans them out - he’s no more than a cosmic plaything at times. It was nice and all having Koutarou’s lips on his neck as soon as his back hit the mattress, deposited delicately like he’s fragile and precious - wouldn’t put it above Koutarou thinking of him like that, and he can’t exactly complain. Keiji alas made one big mistake while his husband attacked his neck, his collarbone, his sides - while craning his neck to give the other better access he looked to the wall, at Haruka’s little crib sitting against it, empty and looking cold, the fairy lights Suzumeda and Shirofuku got them still on because both him and Koutarou had forgotten to turn them off.

It made something in his stomach twist, a gut-deep feeling bringing him guilt and anxiety like nothing ever before. Instead of making little pleased noises he started sounding more pained than anything else, and Koutarou quickly caught that. He didn’t even need to say anything - Koutarou looked at him, and looked to the side, eyes immediately fixed on the crib, both deeply aware of what was missing. It really didn’t take him long to put two and two together, to start feeling the same anxiety coursing through Keiji - and as stupid as it to think about it, even weeks later after everything turned out alright, they felt genuinely _bad_ over Haruka’s temporary absence. She was with Keiji’s parents for fuck’s sake, it wasn’t like anything bad would happen to her - not that their brains understood that at the moment.

Keiji looked once again at Koutarou, and despite his better judgment he started laughing at how absurd the whole situation was - two grown ass men who should know better already teary eyed over something with a simple solution, one that shouldn’t have been needed in first place if they knew how to behave and deal with their emotions, as grown ass men are to do. Thankfully Koutarou started laughing as well, feeling equally as silly. The guilt didn’t go away anytime soon, but they decided against calling Keiji’s parents to bring Haruka back early. Nothing happened that day between them - at least nothing that had to do with their more carnal desires - and it was probably for the best.

+

For the most part, Keiji does not really enjoy thinking back on the months he spent carrying Haruka. Something about them made him realize that indeed it would be the first and last time he’d do it - it wasn’t exactly bad so to speak, but the constant scrutiny from family, friends, strangers, Koutarou and, most damning, _himself_ was hard to deal with some days, if not most. Avoiding curious gazes was hard, and trying not to constantly criticize himself in front of the mirror was even harder. It wasn’t even a self image thing, as Koutarou originally believed, but more about everything that had to do with his situation, though Keiji would be the first to admit he did feel more than a little bit off when his old pants did not fit. He tried to reason with himself that such a thing was to be expected - he was carrying a goddamn baby, and a particularly big one, at that.

(That shouldn’t have been as surprising as it was - both his mother and mother-in-law had regaled him with plentiful stories of how both him and Koutarou had been absolutely huge babies. It was only natural Haruka would be so big too.)

The point he’s trying to make is that, no matter how good he had it those almost precise nine months, the insecurities he felt easily overpowered him some days. Keiji acknowledges that he truly did have it way too fucking good, with a loving husband at his side, his bills paid and a roof over his head, more than some people can count with during such a delicate process - at times however Keiji forgets how good his life is, probably because it has been that good for a very long time, wouldn’t be able to think of a time where he ever struggled in any meaningful way. That was also something he felt while pregnant, like he was some sort of ungrateful bastard that couldn’t be happy for the chance he was given. Koutarou comforted him as best as he could, said he could blame it on the added hormones and no one would judge him.

Said hormones had been the bane of his existence, really. They still are, some days, though nowhere near as bad. There were times where Keiji couldn’t be apart from Koutarou without bursting out crying, despite knowing perfectly well they still had jobs they needed to be present for, and although Keiji’s was somewhat flexible with his office hours as long as he sent in the necessary manuscripts and Inoue-san kept the pace they had set he could pretty much not show up. That was not the case for Koutarou though, who had to be present at practice every morning until well into the afternoon, Monday to Friday. That wasn’t even counting the extra training sessions on weekends while preparing for big games - Keiji thought himself lucky most of his pregnancy was spent with Koutarou lounging around the house thanks to the off season, complying with his training regime from home and occasionally meeting the team to stay sharp.

With a world pandemic still on the loose they had stayed home for the most part, unwilling to risk themselves at all. When the former Fukurodani alumni showed up one weekend for a casual gathering with gifts - which Keiji had insisted not be called a ‘baby shower’ for reasons he’d like to keep to himself, but mostly he felt uncomfortable - Konoha, ever the bastard, had compared them and _specially_ Keiji to - would you even believe? - goddamn _captive pandas_ , something about having his first brood while locked up, the others present quickly laughing. Even Koutarou had been amused, though all Keiji could do was raise an eyebrow and pretend he was annoyed and did not find the comment funny and fitting. (It was also only one child, not an actual brood. Fuck you, Konoha.)

(What was even more hilarious - read: _not_ \- was that apparently the others had already heard the joke, because some of the gifts that day had just so happened to be panda-themed.)

Still, Keiji thinks back on situations like that, where he had felt so loved and safe, where his insecurities and worries had been pushed to the back of his mind, and reaffirms that he truly couldn’t have had it any better. Even the sex back then had been great before he got too big to properly move around - though, to be fair, Koutarou had been more than happy to accommodate for him, willing to be a little uncomfortable himself if it meant his dearest husband was happy and sated. At some point everything just got too awkward, hence why Keiji is so desperate for anything Koutarou would be willing to do to him.

+

The resolution to Keiji’s frustrations comes in the least expected shape, knocking on his door a Friday afternoon - the Keiji of weeks ago, the one from the day after Haruka’s _okuizome_ would have called him crazy and outright stupid. He had felt anxious and guilty for leaving his baby who’s not even half a year old with his parents, so why in seven hells would he leave her with none other than Kuroo Tetsurou and Kozume Kenma, you ask? Well, sexual frustration is his main reason if he’s being honest, being as terribly horny - _god he hates that word_ \- as he is. Other reasons include trying to convince himself that nothing will happen to her, he knows that despite appearances and his better judgment both Kuroo and Kenma are good with little kids, the latter a pleasant surprise that still boggled his mind. It’s not that Kenma actively tries to interact with little children or much less babies, dear lord no, but they just seem to be drawn towards him for some reason, who knows what it might be. Perhaps how relaxed Kenma tends to be draws kids towards him.

The main reason remains that he’s sexually frustrated though.

When he asks them if Koutarou planned _this_ , since they showed up unannounced and all Kuroo shrugs and tells him that it doesn’t matter whether his ‘bro’ did plan it or not - _I’m here, Kenma’s here, you should go out with Bo, have some fun and get fucked into the mattress of the sleaziest love hotel you can find. Also, we cannot promise we won’t fuck in your bed while your kid is asleep in her room!_. It’s all very Kuroo-like, Keiji has to admit. Kenma for his own part remains with his eyes fixed on his phone screen, but he nods agreeing with Kuroo after he’s done talking. At the very least Keiji can be thankful for the honesty. He has tried to keep his bed a holy and sacred place though, the sole place that no one but him and his husband can call their own, given that they’ve hosted numerous people in their house already. Look Keiji wouldn’t actually be _mad_ , but please? Let him have this one thing?

He considers it carefully because his last attempt at having Koutarou to himself ended in disaster (an exaggeration) and he’d rather not repeat that experience. While Kuroo and Kenma make themselves comfortable, dropping their bags for a full weekend in the room Keiji calls his office, he makes his way back into his and Koutarou’s bedroom, Haruka soundly asleep in her crib - judging from the time Keiji doubts the peace and quiet will last for much longer. That’s fine with him though, can’t say he actually misses the time before his daughter’s birth all that much - his first year in Nishinomiya had been lonely, in a big house that needed to be filled by something or someone, Mocha non-withstanding because all that dog does nowadays is sleep by Haruka’s crib. Koutarou called Mocha ‘cat-passing’ and Keiji found himself agreeing, as absurd as it was.

Granted, he spent most of that first year hauling Haruka around inside his body, but it wasn’t the same as his current situation, with her consuming so much of his time and constantly requiring attention, filling in every nook and cranny of the house with her curious or distressed sounds. He doesn’t just say this because he’s in love with his husband, has been from the moment he first saw him all those years ago even if he didn’t know it back then, but Haruka might just be the cutest baby he has ever laid eyes on by sole virtue of being Bokuto Koutarou’s daughter, and the fact that all his friends - notably all childless, but even otherwise it would ring true - agree is enough proof for Keiji.

(Koutarou would try and argue with him that it makes no sense! Haruka looks like him, with her dark green-ish blue eyes, the wavy black hair, the just a teensy-tiny bit darker skin. He cannot make an argument for Haruka’s precious round cheeks because those are normal on a baby, but if they remain right where they are fifteen years later then Koutarou will know she got them from the most simultaneously handsome and adorable man he has seen in his life. Not that he enjoys the thought of Haruka growing up - he’d like to have more time with her as she is, tiny and dependant and tender to the touch.)

After deliberating and pondering on it, Keiji calls Kenma over to the bedroom since Kuroo is taking a well-deserved nap - the idiot had just gotten off work when he and Kenma took the flight to Osaka - but, given his current plans, he would’ve called Kenma over anyway. He asks the now-former-blonde to watch Haruka while he goes to take a thorough shower, most of the showers he takes nowadays are quick and don’t always leave him feeling clean. Upon receiving a positive answer Keiji grabs clean underwear because as much as he trusts Kenma, have been each other’s confidant for years already he’d also like to keep some privacy between them. In fact, sometimes Keiji feels like he and Kenma tell each other a little too much of their personal lives, have been doing that since they were third years in their respective schools. Whatever, right? Not a big deal.

The shower he takes remains a quick one, but Keiji decides to stay for a full minute under the spray once he’s done cleaning up for the sake of it, fuck the water bill. Even though it’s only an extra minute he stays there it is enough for him to _think_ \- at times he feels unreasonable for his frustrations given their nature; he should be used already to that from the time he lived in Tokyo with Koutarou all the way here in Osaka. They used to spend weeks or even months without seeing each other and they had turned out just fine, hadn’t they? Keiji had made do with, _uh_ , certain _objects_ he found on _peculiar_ shops, all online because he still is too much of a coward to enter a sex shop in person. It wasn’t ideal, far from it, but it worked.

He guesses he has been spoiled in the past year or so, with a whole house to themselves and although not quite all the time in the world still plenty to do whatever the fuck they wanted. Their free days had been spent doing almost nothing besides the bare essentials, ordering take out despite Koutarou being a perfectly good cook as long as no more than three burners were on in the stove, simply because they could afford to. And in spite of criticisms even from _Kenma_ of all people, sometimes they would just throw into the washer what they would need for work during the week, everything else could accumulate until they were left wearing underwear and old shirts around the house. (Keiji would argue that was a very good look on Koutarou, however.)

Now - and this is not a complaint, please do not think so - Keiji does laundry, _what_ \- every three days? And it’s not even his or his husband’s clothes - though those too - but rather Haruka’s because hers get just so goddamn dirty _so_ _goddamn quickly_ , and in turn so do his and Koutarou’s. The house is not quite a disaster at least, but it didn’t pass him that his parents and his in-laws gave him the side eye last time they visited, and he cannot blame them for that. As nice as being home is, Keiji is not househusband material - his place is in his office at work, trying to deal with the numerous tasks he has as an editor as best as he can. Hell, he’s sure Koutarou would make a much better househusband - the man is the complete package, being able to cook and he cleans up after himself and contrary to popular belief, he’s not actually a messy person. (Truth be told, Koutarou doesn’t really have any real flaws beyond normal human ones, like his awful breath every morning, or how he always wakes up with a raging boner but that’s normal, isn’t it? It is.)

+

It isn’t hard to convince Koutarou to go out once he gets home, though it is harder to convince him Haruka can stay with Kuroo and Kenma. He has a few reservations about the whole thing, which makes sense given he himself doesn’t get all that much time with his daughter, but a little bit of prodding from Keiji is enough to get him to agree. After that it’s all smooth sailing - the plan is simple, dinner somewhere nice and chill, and then make their way into a love hotel _Atsumu_ of all people had recommended - _you should totally take that husband of yers, Bokkun! Every room has a hot tub and it comes with those fancy aromatic salts! Omi-omi enjoyed those last time-_. Enough information Tsum-tsum, thank you.

(For the record, Sakusa did disinfect the hot tub first.)

And the thing is, they do have fun, lots of it. It had been a really long time since they last went out for _yakiniku_ and drinks, although Keiji limits himself to two beers because anything more than that is dangerous territory. Koutarou usually would be the designated driver, but given they’re not coming home tonight, at least not until past midnight, he can indulge a little. Still, they don’t end up drinking a lot because there is no fun in getting wasted, specially when other things await for them. And speaking of things that await for them, Koutarou called in advance and reserved a room at the love hotel before they got out of the house, wouldn’t want to fumble around at the front desk when they’d rather be doing something else.

The room itself is not really all that fancy - it has what it needs to have, Keiji guesses, not that he has frequented many before, mind you, but as far as love hotels go it’s fine. He and Koutarou don’t even make use of the hot tub, as tempting as it looks, because from the moment they crossed the door and locked it only them and the bed exists. He won’t go into detail because again, his personal life is his own, never mind that anyone who knows him must have sensed how high strung he was acting. Maybe next time they’ll make use of it, since it does look really nice and spacious, perfect for both of them. Tonight, however, Keiji has a sole purpose, and he’s happy to know his husband shares it.

+

They get home somewhere between four and five in the morning, tired and ready to throw themselves into the bed to sleep this time, but first and foremost they have someone else to check on, and they find themselves pleasantly surprised to see Kuroo and Kenma watching something, probably a movie in the living room, Haruka sleeping against Kuroo’s chest peacefully which totally does _not_ give Keiji and Koutarou a knot in their throats. They had been paying attention to their phones all throughout dinner and in between, uh, rounds, but there had been no texts from either of their friends. They had managed to push Haruka into the back of their minds mostly out of necessity, but now that they’re home and they see her so comfortable with someone who is _not_ them it brings back all those feelings of guilt, the attachment they feel towards her by virtue of being so small and needy and- the list could go on. They’ve made their point several times already.

Words are exchanged in the shape of whispers because anything above that volume would wake Haruka up, and as cute as she is no one wants a crying baby that late (early?). Keiji and Koutarou cannot be more grateful, and perhaps given they know how their friends had been feeling, neither Kuroo or Kenma can bring themselves to tease the married pair - tomorrow morning they will, no doubt about it, but right then the moment feels dreamy and tender and almost as if it didn’t happen at all. They all retire for the night not long after, agreeing on a late breakfast courtesy of Koutarou.

Keiji takes Haruka into his arms and it shouldn’t surprise him at this point what happens right after; his baby girl makes herself comfortable against him, furrows herself impossibly closer, seeking his warmth and the beat of his heart, steady and familiar as it is. It makes something bubble inside of him, makes his heart feel three sizes up, threatening to burst out of his chest. Rather than waxing poetics however he makes his way up the stairs and into the master bedroom - thankfully he took a shower at the love hotel, enough to suffice him until morning. He tries to leave Haruka for a single minute while he changes into more comfortable clothes, but the moment he tries to detach she starts whining. It keeps his heart as if clutched tight in a fist, right until Koutarou enters the room and takes her, Haruka settling down immediately.

The moment feels even more dreamy and tender than the one downstairs, just between the three of them. It’s not that Keiji forgets they’re an actual family now, he’s had plenty of moments like this to see that, but when they get like that it’s like a bucket of cold water has been dumped over his head - he and Koutarou have a daughter, for fuck’s sake, she’s breathing right against Koutarou’s chest, comfortable and warm despite the chilly weather. They wouldn’t have it any other way.

+

After that things don’t necessarily get immediately better, but they manage their time with more care, give time to themselves. Keiji for his own part doesn’t feel that urgent frustration anymore, which he definitely counts as a win. He’s also trying to work on his personal projects again, even if he still gets stuck after writing barely one paragraph - just the fact that he’s trying is enough to make him feel better, someday he’ll finish his first draft. The relationship with his parents is also gradually getting better, them finally understanding that, his break for child rearing aside, he is doing what he likes best to some extent, and someday he’ll finally do what he truly wants, this is just a stepping stone towards that. They don’t make a habit of leaving Haruka with other people either, but hey, if their parents are offering to babysit, who are they to say no? It all works out.

**Author's Note:**

> title from 'everybody knows' by the naked and famous.


End file.
